I wrote the following post a while back but I haven't really wanted to share it just in case I sounded lame or preachy. But I just changed my mind since I don't really have time to do anything but wash camping laundry, which is way gross by the way. Also I'm getting ready for Mya's unicorn fancy small birthday get-together tomorrow. Also, school starts Wednesday. Also Dan's tearing apart the kitchen to make room for a new kitchen so life is kinda nuts.
I've included one pic of our camping adventure at the end of the post.
Written in May of this year:
Each mom has to find her way. The way that is best for her and her family. Obviously I've learned a little bit along the way both practically and emotionally/spiritually. I thought I'd share a few of them.
1 - BRIBERY - If I save candy and ice cream for special occasions only, I am not only saving my little dears' teeth, I can use it to bribe them when I need to. For example, I don't want to fight with my kids about going to a few more summer camps. So I tell them we will all go out for ice cream at the end of the week if they go happily. This has also been helpful for summer reading and math. And I've been using candy to bribe the littles to smile for pictures for a while now. Sometimes it works. Normally they don't get sweets. I save it strictly to bribe/reward them. It can also be use as leverage obviously. I'd love to give you this doughnut but that dog poop isn't going to pick up itself. You get the idea.
2A - STOCKING THE VAN - Keeping a box in the trunk with all the things I could ever need is such a lifesaver. I keep clothes, shoes, granola bars that don't melt, bottles of water, hair ties, band-aids, hand sanitizer, baby wipes, a towel and more. This has come in handy like 100 times and even saved the day a few times. I keep baby wipes and kleenex up front with me because I often throw them back at the kids when needed.
2B - In the summer I keep a case of little waters from Costco and a giant box of granola bars that don't melt. Those two things are the best thing I've done in a long time. Sometimes I forget to feed someone or someone is melting down because they are hungry or everyone is hot and tired and they need water stat.
3 - HELP - I take any help offered. There is no way to do it all. If someone offers to watch my kids sometime, I ask them if they are serious and set it up. If someone offers to bring me a meal, I take it, no matter what it is. I've made it a habit to ask for help quite often. If I'm out of milk, I send a text out in case anyone is going to the store. A few friends have told me that they can watch the kids anytime or give them rides to or from school. I've taken them up on that. And in turn, if I see a chance to help them, I do it. It strengthens the bond with friends when you can help each other. Dan and I are always happy when there is a need that we can help with. Mostly because we've received so much help, we feel like we could never pay it back. But we can pay it forward and even back sometimes.
4 - ACCEPTING MY STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES. This one applies to more than just being a mom but I've found it very helpful in my mom journey. I've learned to recognize and be thankful for the things I'm good at like seeing the funny in the crazy, solving hard 4th grade math problems, singing pop songs with the girls, playing board games with them, and scootering with Angus. And at the same time forgiving myself for the talents that don't come naturally like keeping the house tidy, having patience, being nurturing, being affectionate, making crafts with them and taking them to fun kid places that stress me out.
The more I am able to recognize these things, the easier it is for me to accept the way things are going. It's not perfect but it's a good life and the kids are happy and healthy. Not a day has gone by when someone hasn't cried or screamed. That includes me. Normally I feel like I could have been more gentle, more fun and less inclined to yell. But every night before the kids go to sleep, I tell them how much I love them and that I'm proud of them. Even if I'm angry and I have to force the words out. My personal best is all I have to offer them and over the years, I'm becoming more okay with that.
5 - I DO WHAT I CAN. I don't have a lot of extra energy to make a huge difference in the world. BUT I've made a deal with myself that if I see a way to help someone or make their day a little better, that is easy, quick and doable, I do it. Most of the time I'm overwhelmed. But that doesn't mean I'm incapable of doing anything. This could mean saying hello to the cashier and giving them a smile when everyone else is in a hurry and sort of ignores them. This could mean saying hello to a homeless person. This could be telling someone they have toilet paper on their shoe or their tag is hanging out. A couple of times I've had tons of pasta and meatballs from Costco and made a meal for someone that was super easy because I already had the stuff. It could be thanking a police officer for all they do. It could be thanking a custodian for all they do. It could be complementing a stranger on her cute shoes, putting someone's cart back for them. The little stuff often has a bigger impact than we think it does.
6- MOMS NEED FRIENDS - When I feel like I need company or friendship in my life, I invite people over. I've learned that most people don't really have it in them to extend an invitation for whatever reason. Maybe their house is a mess. Maybe they don't want to entertain. Maybe they're just tired. I love having people over. I don't have to go anywhere. I have a pool and a two story kid proof house so kids can go upstairs with their loud crazy little selves. And I've become okay with the place not being tidy. I have four kids that are easy to blame. So, when Dan is working 3 or 4 days in a row, I invite people over. And they don't always say yes. People say no. I don't take it personal. But recently, I invited a friend and her kids over to swim and have a super basic unimpressive dinner and she told me she was feeling super lonely and overwhelmed and my invitation was a huge blessing and the best day she'd had all summer. I think everyone always assumes everyone else is busy and having fun with friends. But it is often not true.
7 - COMPLIMENT THE KIDS. When I notice something good about one of my kids, I say it to them. I correct my kids all day long. Maybe more than other moms, maybe not. But it delights them to hear any compliment. A lot of the time, they are caught off guard and smile shyly. It's the cutest. For many years, I never made this a habit. I'm not sure why. Maybe I didn't want to disrupt the good thing that was happening like siblings playing quietly together, or I didn't want to give them a big head. Or I was still mad about the bad thing they did 30 minutes prior. Whatever silly reasons were keeping this from happening were not a good enough reason to hold back. This is nothing new. It's called positive reinforcement. It is encouraged in the workplace and at home. I've just noticed that it has really helped my kids attitude and in turn mine.
8 - GOOD AND BAD. Every stage has good and bad. I used to think parenting would just get easier and easier until I was a pro mom. I know, super naive. Parenting doesn't get easier. It just looks different each year. Some people are good at savoring every moment of their kids' childhoods. This has never come naturally to me. I used to wish the babies would grow and become more independent so I could go to the bathroom or shower by myself and not hold them all day. And then they did grow and become more independent. BUT they more work because I was chasing them around, making sure they didn't kill themselves. But then they started talking and making me laugh.
There are so many fun things about every single stage. I don't even think I could name a favorite, or a least favorite. These days, I'm playing board games with Mya and Winter and it's so fun. I can hang out with them or take them to lunch and a movie and have conversations with them, which is awesome. But there are definitely some challenges that come with 8 and 9 too. Mean kids at school for instance. There is jealousy, drama, bickering, you know, typical stuff. So, if you have a 1 year old, just know that in some ways it gets easier and in some ways it gets harder, so roll with the hard and enjoy the fun. Life is going to hand us hard days. And some really hard days. If we can't find the good and fun in it, that would be a shame.
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