Guys, I'm going to be pretty real with you. Yesterday was a low. Nothing awful happened. But I felt like I couldn't ignore the suckyness anymore. I haven't really been able to let myself feel too upset about this whole thing. I've tried to be thankful because there are so very many who have it so much worse than I do. I've heard and read so many heartbreaking stories that I can't bring myself to read any more. People are really suffering. I have this nice home and this great community for my kids to play in and Dan still has a job that provides well for us.
But in the last few days I've found myself affected more and more. I've never been one to fake how I'm feeling. I'm not the type of mom who puts on a smile for her kids and makes them pancakes when I'm secretly feeling awful. When I'm mad, everyone knows it, even the neighbors. Yesterday I'm not sure I smiled once. It's been raining all week and we've been inside with nowhere to go and this extrovert is really craving face to face human connection. Facetime, Zoom and Marco Polo are nice but not the real thing.
Dan was at work and I am convinced that the kids behave so much better when he is home. I've stopped trying to figure out why. They fought all day from the minute I woke up and never listened the first time when I asked them to do something. They complained about school work, exercise, snacks, dinner and everything else. I went from room to room avoiding them, coming out only to yell at them when the noise level rose. We went outside when the rain stopped and they continued to fight, whine and cry so we went back in.
This morning I slept in, not wanting to face another crappy day. I shut the door and turned on the fan to drown out the noise. Angus is almost 5 and Mya is 10 and super responsible so this is something I've been able to take advantage of lately. I usually only sleep in when Dan is home but today I needed it. The kids finally came in and gently woke me up to tell me they had a surprise for me downstairs.
I came down to waffles, eggs and coffee. Addie drew me a picture and put it next to my plate. They had put away the dishes and filled the dishwasher and ran it again with not an entirely full load of dishes in it. I haven't opened the dishwasher yet to see what they put in there and where they put it.
I'm not someone who cries easily. Dan lovingly says I have a heart of ice. I've heard a few people saying they've had a nice cathartic cry about their new normal and I have to admit I've felt a little jealous. It sounds very helpful.
I ate my syrup and whipped cream covered waffles with sprinkles and my cold overcooked eggs and drank my lukewarm watered down coffee with WAY too much creamer in it and tried to hold back the tears. They were so happy and proud of themselves. Even Angus who didn't really help at all was bouncing around. They wanted me to have a better day they said. After I thanked them and told them how much I loved it all and love them, I reminded them that they are not allowed to use the stove when I'm unconscious and really should have me supervise their coffee making and dishwasher running.
They agreed. Then Winter made all the kids waffles and eggs with whipped cream and sprinkles.
Dan always says that he's so proud of my strength and ability to hold down the fort when he's away. Part of me takes pride in that and tries not to crumble under pressure. And normally I succeed.
But I'm human, and this is hard. After breakfast, I got in the shower and had a nice little cry. I thanked God for my kids and begged him to help me get through this crazy season. After I got out of the shower I immediately felt better. I think in order to start accepting things the way they are, I had to first accept the heaviness of the situation of the world and at the same time morn the loss of things that we've lost as a family. We lost our normal. I lost my normal. I didn't realize how much that would affect me.
I've always depended so much on community. I'm super relational and get my energy and motivation from the last time I've met with my moms group, ladies at church, conversations with friends and being out and about in the community, shopping and socializing. It makes sense that I'm not thriving right now.
HOWEVER, God made us humans resilient. Tough stuff also makes us rely on Him more. And although this is not ideal, it's doable with His help. I feel good about the coming months. I know they are going to be difficult and long but we'll get through them.
Lamentations 3:22-23 says: "The faithful love of the Lord never ends. His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning." These days I need those mercies every morning more than ever.
Yesterday was Good Friday when Jesus died on the cross for our sins. Saturday must have been the worst day of the disciples' lives. Their savior was gone. Their lives were flipped upside down and they didn't know what was going to happen to them. Their whole world at that point had been Jesus. And He was gone.
But then Sunday came.
Tomorrow is Easter. What perfect timing. Tomorrow is a celebration for us Christians. Jesus rose from the grave! If you're still reading and you're not a Jesus person, and you feel like you could use some Jesus right now, my church along with tons of others around the world will have sermons online. Ours will be found at www.churchoftheopendoor.com. The cool thing about Jesus is that He loves you even if you don't know or love Him.
Virtual hugs to you all. I can't wait to see you face to face and hear your voices in person.
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