good advice (part two)

Reminder: As stated in my blog profile, please think of my blogs as notes to self rather than how tos. If I come across preachy, I'm just preachin' to myself and if someone else benefits from it, great :D

The second great piece of advice that has come in handy is this:

Have a plan.

This advice was given at my MOPS group called GUM. (Growing Up Mom) We had a panel of couples from our church answer tough parenting questions. One of the moms of 3 boys, now preteens and teenagers, learned that life was so much easier if she planned ahead. This applies to going on outings and the way you handle situations requiring discipline. Before that day, I hadn't really thought of having a plan for discipline. I just always disciplined when there was an offense committed. I kind of planned ahead for other things like outings, trips to the grocery store etc. but never really thought about it or made a point to have a plan.

Simple right? Simple to say. Hard to do. Having a plan is especially not easy for those who like to "wing it." But winging it with kids is pretty miserable. Especially when you are at Target with no snacks and two hungry cranky little ones about to melt down at the check out. Things can go so much smoother if you plan ahead. For me, this means, lots of snacks and anticipating what will make my kids freak out. For instance, I know to completely avoid the toy section at all costs, unless of course I am going to pick out a birthday present. In that case, there needs to be a conversation ahead of time that there will be no freak-outs and letting the girls know exactly what we are going to do and what I expect of them. This is not fool proof, but you would be surprised at what your little ones are capable of... good and bad :-)

Planning ahead can be applied to all kinds of situations. If you haven't discovered it yet, people have patterns. My little girls can be pretty predictable. I know most of the time what to expect from each one because they have done it over and over. I know that Winter will flip out if she doesn't get to sit in the front of the cart. I know Mya will cry if I don't let her put the groceries onto the checkout counter. I know what makes them happy and what makes them sad. I know that Winter is tempted to do many awful things like dumping her drink mid shopping trip or picking up something breakable and throwing it to see if it will break. I know that Mya will have to use the potty "right now mommy" as I've grabbed the last item on my list and the cart is full. If you can predict things your kids will do, then you can probably prevent little disasters and mishaps. For example, I've learned to put Winter up front in the cart without question. That is her spot. Mya has learned that. I never give Winter anything besides water in a sippy cup. I keep all breakable items (like eggs) out of reach. I've learned to use the potty first thing when we walk in the store, even if she just went potty at home 5 minutes ago. And Mya's job is to load all the groceries onto the checkout counter. Winter helps too. I've learned not to go before dinner time or if I do, bring something for them to eat.

This all sounds like common sense, but for me it took a few times to learn that planning ahead was necessary. Sometimes, I would feel adventurous or stubborn and try to hurriedly "wing it" and everyone would suffer.

Now, coming up with a plan for discipline, that is a lot harder. Even though the girls are predictable, and I know how they are going to react to a spanking, a time-out, a toy removal etc., it is still hard to make a plan for how you will discipline. I am usually angry when I need to discipline because someone has ticked me off by doing something I have disciplined her for over and over. Like hitting her sister, pulling hair, getting into mommy's make-up, stealing a toy from her sister, writing on things (not paper) with pen, or not listening the first time when I tell her to do something. These are pretty common offences in my house. I don't know what other kids are like but I imagine their lists are similar. I know that these things are going to happen over and over again.

So, here's my plan for making a plan: I need to sit down and write them out one by one and think of a good punishment for each of them and actually follow through with it. I am usually tired or doing something else so I let things slide. That is a problem. A plan cannot help unless it is followed. Careful consideration must be taken when disciplining a child. It must be done calmly and consistently. And afterward, it needs to be talked about and we need to hug it out and tell each other, I love you. That way, my girls know that I love them when they are good AND bad.

Unfortunately, little people are extremely observant. They pick up on everything. They see us acting a certain way and think it is okay to act that way. So leading by example is also important when I discipline. I can't expect them to be calm and rational if I'm running around like a crazy person, spanking and screaming, listen to me!! That is why I need a plan. So that when they are teaming up on me, I can handle them one by one calmly, the way I planned. Sounds so easy doesn't it? Ha! It is so not. But practice makes perfect.

I know that this stuff comes easier for some than others. I am a planner. I love planning. So this falls right in my area of expertise. Unfortunately, I lack expertise and patience when it comes to childrearing but I'm learning! No one is expected to be a perfect parent, or even close. But if we are not improving, we are getting worse. I would like to think that I am improving a tiny bit each day, well maybe like a tiny bit each month. But when I think back to when I first brought my little Mya home, I have learned A TON since then. So that's comforting. Baby steps :-)