This little confession from winter was funny at first then broke my heart a little. I hugged her and told her it was okay because nobody is perfect. Nobody listens all the time.
I don't know how many times I yell at the girls each day and stress that they are not listening to me. It must get old trying to behave every day then getting yelled at when you're failing miserably because your just 5 and far from perfect.
I don't know if it's just lately or since I've been a mom but I feel like I'm failing miserably at 34 as well. Every night I am frustrated because I can't keep my anger in check. I can't stop yelling. I sound like an addict or something.
Last night was especially bad. We came in from playing outside and everyone immediately started whining, crying, asking questions about dinner and just really giving me all they had in the annoying kid department. Mya begged for mac and cheese like she does every night. Angus had to be held like he does every night around dinner time. And Winter hugged Addie too tight and wouldn't let go which caused Addie to make the most annoying sound I've ever heard. Well, that's not true. I hear it every night. And it didn't help that the dogs were outside jumping up on the sliding glass door wanting to be fed.
I think I'm a little stressed out from doing extra holiday related stuff on top of my already full load and I'm living right next to the edge of losing it. And as a result, being the mature adult that I am, I yelled at everyone for about 5 minutes. I went on a raving lunatic mommy rant. I slammed cupboard doors then I yelled some more. Meanwhile the bug guy that sprays the outside of our house was knocking on our door to drop off the paper that tells us what he did. Usually we sign it and keep the copy but I must have scared him off because he just gave it to Mya and left. I didn't even hear the doorbell, what with all the yelling. Mya just brought me the paper and told me some guy gave it to her. So what did I do? I yelled at her for answering the door without asking. I have no idea what that guy heard but I'm sure it wasn't pleasant. I looked at the paper and where it said, "customer signature" he wrote the words, left at door. It kind of makes me laugh now. He was like, I'm not gonna ask that psycho for anything. I'm just going to give it to this poor little innocent girl and shut the door.
All I could think of when I went to sleep that night was that my poor kids didn't deserve to be treated that way. They are young and yes they can be naughty but I'm the mommy. I'm supposed to set a good example. They will never know what the fruits of the spirit are because I can't seem to get my act together. I shouldn't have had so many kids so close together because I can't handle them. What was I thinking?
But then I said a prayer and begged God for forgiveness and prayed for all the things I wished I could be for my kids. Then I was reminded that the bible is full of failures that God used to do his work. But it wasn't until they trusted Him with everything and stayed in close communication with Him that they started to succeed. I know I need to start my day with God. I know I need to ask for help before I start the day, not forgiveness after I've lost control.
I wasn't even going to blog tonight because I didn't want to sound negative. But this is real life. This is my life. I'm a mom. A very imperfect one. But I have hope. I love New Year's. It's so fresh and new and clean. I'm not really one for resolutions but I definitely will be praying that I can love my kids better in 2016 and see them the way God does every day. I want to be a fun mommy that enjoys her job and a godly mommy that displays what it looks like to have Jesus in your heart. I'm not fond of that mean mommy that yells a lot. I would like to leave her at the door of 2015. I love that I can do that.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."
2 Corinthians 5:17
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."
Psalm 51:10
Cheers to the New Year!
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