But for some reason, when I went away to college, a Christian college mind you, I decided to put God on the back burner so I could have a little fun. I was pretty good in high school. I never did drugs or did anything more than kiss my high school boyfriend. I rarely even got a B on my report card. I guess I was just itching to be a bad girl. I wanted to do all those things a good girl never gets to do and I was 7 hours from home so I knew my mom wouldn't know what I was up to. I didn't want to disappoint her.
So there I was, doing bad things at a Christian college, averaging D's in most of my classes and just going down a bad path. I was in a relationship with someone I knew I would never marry and I had no idea what I wanted to with my life. So after 2 years, racking up student loans and going nowhere, I decided I needed to break up with my boyfriend and my school and come home before things got really bad.
At that point, I didn't really have a prayer life. I never opened the bible. I just prayed when things got really bad. Then I met another guy. He was a Scientologist. I liked the idea of dating someone totally different than I'd ever dated before, all Seventh-Day-Adventists. It was a little rebellious and fun at first. That turned into a 3 year relationship with both of us trying to change each other, me trying to convince him that there was a God who loved him, him trying to convince me that Scientology was the way to go. Shockingly it didn't work out. But in the process, the harder he tried to convince me I didn't need Christ, the more I clung to Christ and started building that relationship with Him again.
I can remember the day that I realized that I needed to put my faith in the Lord again and trust him with His plan for my life. I had gone to the beach by myself because things were going south in my relationship with the Scientologist. I really didn't want to let go but I knew that even though he was a great guy, he would never be a Christian and I could never marry him. That day was one of the hardest in my life because I thought I loved him and I thought that I would never find another great guy again.
So there I was, looking at the ocean and realizing that God was so much bigger than me and my little life. I poured my heart out to Him and heard that still small voice tell me, "Amie, I love you. You need to trust that I have someone better for you." So I left the beach that day with a hopeful feeling that everything would be okay. We did end up breaking it off and I was heartbroken for months. I wanted a husband and a family and feared I'd never have one.
If I knew Dan was out there, I would have ditched that other guy so fast without a second thought. But then I wouldn't have learned to trust God with that huge part of my life. It didn't take God long to fulfill his promise. About 5 months later, I met Dan and well, the rest is history. I knew he was the one after a few dates. We were engaged after about a year and a half and started having kids as soon as we got married.
Over the years, my relationship with God has grown tremendously and I've realized what a stupid idea it was to distance myself from Him. I still have a hard time trusting God with his plan for my family's life. I guess in the back of my mind, I think He is so big and there are so many people that sometimes I get overlooked. It's stupid I know. But it is really hard for me to grasp the concept of God knowing each and every little tiny need of billions of people at the same time.
I try to just think of God loving me like I love my kids. That helps. But it still makes my head hurt when I try to figure out how it all works, God having billions of kids and all. But what do I know. He's God. And if he sent his son to die for little old me, I guess I really shouldn't doubt that he wants to see what's best for me.
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