Addie is so fun sometimes =) Today I was trying to drive from the church (where I meet with my mom's group) to Mya's school to drop off a book she left in the car. I should have turned right out of the parking lot but made a left for some reason. Then I missed another street I needed to make a right on. So I yelled, "Oh man! Where am I going!" to which Addie replied, "What?!" She always asks "what" when I exclaim anything in the car. "It's a good thing no one is in the car with me but you babies! They would think Mommy was an idiot!" I said. She laughed hysterically like she totally understood what was happening.
I do a lot of driving these days. Usually school drop offs, school pick ups and Target runs. This little passenger who once used to scream her little head off in the car is now a pretty good traveler. I looked back the other day and she was almost asleep. We were coming home from my mom's house and it was close to bedtime. I often look back at Addie and she is so relaxed in her car seat. It occurred to me the other day that she totally trusts me. She has no reason not to.
As a passenger I am never relaxed in the car. If I'm not in control I'm kind of on edge. Looking at Addie reminded me of how I am supposed to trust God. Fully and completely. Body and mind relaxed and no anxiousness. There is so much for me to be anxious about these days.
I like to get stuff done. I like results. I like an organized home, a fit and trim figure and checking things off of my to do list. I just can't do all of that right now. There is not enough time in the day. I can only do what I can, and that bothers me. And I know it is just a season. I know it will be back to normal...ish once Angus and Addie are a little older. I've been through this with each new baby. For some reason it is just so hard for me to just let go and be a mom.
I continue to try to make new exercise and diet plans for myself only to fail miserably the very next day. Or I'll see some cool meal on Facebook or Pinterest and buy ingredients for it that just sit and go bad in the fridge. I don't have time to make a salad. I think I eat more granola bars than the kids do. I try to organize the closets but can't finish and end up with a bigger mess than I started with. And I'm always blogging when I should be in bed. Sometimes Dan reminds me that it's past my bedtime. I hate not being able to do that stuff. Obviously. I tried to only blog on Mondays and look how that turned out... It's Thursday. I'm working on it.
But I get this nagging feeling day after day that I need to just let go of all of that and be a mom right now. God is telling me through His Holy Spirit to trust him. He's telling me to listen to His plan, not mine.
I've had to tell myself no a lot lately. I literally have discussions with myself. It goes something like this:
Oh man I should do that!
But I have so much laundry to fold.
I shouldn't do that.
I should do laundry... oh and dishes.
Okay I don't have time to do anything but laundry and dishes.
But I really want to do that.
I would enjoy doing that.
Okay no. That's silly. There's no way I can do that right now.
Okay I'm not doing that.
I guess four kids is the magic number that consumes every last drop of time I have. Recently I decided that it is okay to say no to the Amie that wants to do do do. Anything more than just being a wife and mom right now is just added stress. My kids don't need that. My husband definitely doesn't need that. Things I would normally do like school fundraisers, volunteering in the classroom, going to birthday parties, planning play dates, getting together with old friends, organizing fun activities for the kids, baking banana bread, catching up on my shows, and on and on, it's all going to have to wait. And it is okay to say no. And it is freeing to say no. I don't have to do that stuff and I just can't right now. period.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6
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